~ctrl-x

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Hold your breath and pretend that you're already dead...
Current mood: depressed

Knowing what it feels like, hoping that the car will crash. On fatality. Because, there are no more reasons.

And i dont like drugs. I don't think id ever turn to ddrugs.. Only because I know I would only be feeding the sadness, and it ruins everything. And i Don't feel like self-abuse, and I don't feel like talking. I dont feel like sleeping.

Sleeping is the hardest thing. I don't fall asleep for hours. I lay there replaying terrible scenes through my head. This overwhelming drive for disaster. Destruction.

NOthing seems right anymore. I feel like disappearing. I don't really want to die.

And its dumb, these little things. everything builds up, so the smallest, last straw sets me off. Crying over fucking spilt milk.

And no one can deal with me anymore. I dont think i, myself could deal with me anymore. It's alright though, because i cant deal with anyone or myself to begin with. i cant even convey how much i hate this.

And, we're all looking for someone to love us. Someone to love. It's this never-ending battle. its inevitable... It's this terrible thing that i REALLY don't want to be a part of. It's all terrible. And these stupid little things.

I've been doing really stupid things. I wish i could just leave for the weekend. Just like spend it on some deserted beach. And not talk to anyone. Right now.. I really dont feel like seeing anyone ever again. Anyone at all. and its a crazy feeling, because, its just like disappearing. Dying. Its like, dying. but i dont think i want to die.

I want to rid myself of this.. this.. ionno what it is. This paranoia. I want to NOT care. i want to be free. Someone once told me that they wished they were emotionless. I argued, because its human emotion that gives us EVERYTHING. tonight... Tonight, i wish i was emotionless..


(its strange.. i hope this isnt going to be something that happens every other week. cuz its starting to get old.. cha know? feeling SHITTY. lol RAWR. its 12:30 must go to bed school tommorow EWWWW..!!)